Family conflicts are not yet a catastrophe. Divorce, however, is a true family tsunami. All too often, this disaster in marriage is caused by a desire to resolve all accumulated, unresolved problems “in one fell swoop,” once and for all. But unfortunately, the turbulent flow of emotions drowns out the common sense that should have foreseen that problems do not subside after a divorce; instead, they increase in scale and persist for many years. To great regret, deep wounds and traumas that do not heal for years are inflicted upon innocent children who dream of real happiness.
Statistics
It is no secret that in recent years, the statistics regarding the state of marriages in our country remain discouraging. More and more families are falling apart, and an increasing number of children are left with only one parent. 68–70% of marriages break up within the first 10–15 years. To deep regret, we see fewer and fewer elderly couples on the city streets who, carefully supporting one another, walk along holding hands tenderly. Passersby often watch them with a smile for a long time, realizing they have encountered a family with extensive “service history.”
One Big Reason
Spouses find many different reasons for breaking off family relationships. But in most cases, all these reasons can be combined into one big one: UNWILLINGNESS TO CHANGE ONESELF AND INABILITY TO FORGIVE. Every couple, beginning their family life under one roof, faces the need to learn how to resolve conflict issues amidst accumulating emotions, irritation, or dissatisfaction. If this does not happen, a decision is gradually made against the marriage. The most terrible thing is that in the latter case, the interests of children and other family members are not taken into account. Relationships are simply severed; the initiators of the divorce leave, thinking the problem is solved. But this is a big mistake!
No One Leaves Unscathed
Divorce is almost always a disaster! It affects all aspects of life, and we can hardly imagine all the consequences of this disaster until we begin to experience them one by one. Just as it is impossible to foresee the consequences after a tsunami, spouses who decide to destroy their marriage cannot accurately predict the losses and misfortunes that will enter their lives and the lives of their children. It can be said with certainty that no one has ever come out of a divorce without suffering and experiencing its terrible and destructive impact. Post-divorce stress affects the one who is “left” to a greater extent than the one who “leaves.” A person’s emotional well-being is significantly damaged over the next five years, generating diverse and long-lasting negative reactions that even the death of a partner cannot cause.
Not an End, but Only a Beginning
From the standpoint of a legislative act, divorce is a single event, but from emotional and psychological perspectives, it is a chain of events leading to the breakup of families, a change in lifestyle, economic difficulties, and a series of other shocks that complicate and destroy people’s lives. Although the word “divorce” implies finality, it should be understood that divorce is a process that begins with the breach of marriage agreements and continues for a very long time, causing immense pain to those directly and indirectly involved.
Some Consequences of Divorce
In the post-divorce period, people try to cope with circumstances, survive, and recover, radically changing their lifestyle and self-perception. Research shows that divorces lead to the following consequences:
1. Impact on Children
Most often, children are considered last in divorce proceedings, forgetting that they suffer most from the consequences. They are the innocent victims of divorces—the true casualties of this merciless family tsunami that has destroyed their lives. They lose not only their family but also their confidence in the future and their sense of security. Psychiatrist Carl Whitaker says: “When it comes to children, there is no such thing as divorce.” The struggle for parental rights, visitation, financial support, or custody does not end with a divorce. Children stop being innocent little ones; they will long hope that one day their mom and dad will get back together and their emptiness and uncertainty will vanish.
Children continue to suffer from emotional consequences for 25 years after their parents’ divorce. The influence of divorce is reflected in children for nearly three decades of their lives! Numerous data suggest that children from divorced families are more prone to emotional problems such as aggression, withdrawal, depression, inferiority complexes, low self-esteem, and susceptibility to various addictions. 50% of children enter adulthood with feelings of anxiety, anger, and self-disrespect.
2. Psychological and Emotional Trauma
The emotional trauma inflicted during divorce and separation is extremely harmful and persistent. The sense of disaster and loss often leads to severe disappointment, causes feelings of bitterness and loneliness, and leads to depression. People are overwhelmed by feelings of inferiority, rejection, and a loss of self-respect. Research confirms that people who divorce are much more susceptible to mental and physical illnesses. High stress levels can reduce the immune system’s ability to protect a person from infections. Other studies have shown that men and women continue to feel irritation and hostility toward their former spouse for 5 or even 10 years.
3. Disruption of the Family Structure
The Creator’s design for the family is singular: father, mother, and children. Only this family composition can fulfill all the psychological and emotional needs of children so that in the future, as adults, they are capable of raising a new, strong generation. Breaking the family structure is nothing less than a revision of the Wise Creator’s plan, which drags behind it a whole train of overt and hidden negative consequences for society as a whole. “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts… I know that whatever God does, it shall be forever. Nothing can be added to it, and nothing taken from it” (Ecclesiastes 3:11, 14).
This is by no means the entire list of problems that come to broken, torn families after a divorce. In future issues of this newspaper, we will try to clearly show ways to eliminate the causes of divorce. If spouses wished to learn how to resolve misunderstandings and conflicts in a more reasonable way, many families could be protected from such distant and detrimental consequences.
I wish all spouses and parents to be wise in solving family problems and, as a result, to be happy!
Lidiya Neykurs
